Liberalism: Finding A Monster Beneath Every Rock

If liberalism is a sultry blond in a little black dress at the hotel piano bar, then I am a smooooth operator. I enjoy moving in on an attractive liberal argument and sweet-talking her up to her room. We get… comfortable. She lies naked in my arms, catching her breath after an extended period of passion. Then I casually slip a knife into her back and twist it for a MAXIMUM SCREAM!!!

(Disclaimer: This is an allegory, not a literal murder confession. Sheesh!)

Even though it is obvious to any reasonable person that this intro is just a little bit of salacious fun to get the reader’s attention, liberals may take this very seriously. Because liberals are paranoid of almost everything (and have a track record of taking metaphors and satires literally), a liberal can read this and immediately conclude that I am at least extremely sick, and perhaps much worse. In fact, liberals can overturn any rock and find an evil monster hiding beneath: They see a target on a political map in Facebook, and they think it is part of a conspiracy to assassinate Democratic Party politicians. Rush Limbaugh says that he desires that President Obama’s agenda fails, and liberals think he wants the whole country to turn into a nihilist dystopia. Patriotic Americans gather as a Tea Party to politely protest the things they don’t like about government (they even clean up the trash behind them), and liberals see hordes of raging anarchists tearing down civilization. Conservatives oppose the policies of President Obama based on their ideological principles, and liberals view nothing but bigotry, hatred and racism. The list of evil monsters emerging from beneath rocks imagined by liberal paranoia goes on and on, or as Ronald Reagan would say, “There you go again…”

Liberals Are Paranoid of Almost Everything

• Insisting that government has no business paying for contraceptives is seen as a war on women.

• The incandescent light bulb is viewed as a contributing threat to planetary survival.

• Deporting illegal aliens is somehow immoral, despite that liberals renounce morals.

• Allowing people to keep their own money is seen as stealing from the poor.

• Opposing affirmative action means conservatives wish to go back to the Jim Crow laws.

• Oil imported from Canada is a symbol of how evil oil companies are.

• Resisting over-regulation is seen as a desire for anarchy.

• Bush deliberately withheld help after Katrina so that Democrat voters would die.

• Voter ID laws are the same as denying voter rights.

• Pro-gun means one does not care about illegal guns or the crimes committed with them.

• Conservative talk radio is a conspiracy of the radio industry.

• Domestic oil and natural gas drilling will destroy the environment.

• Black conservatives are some of the dirtiest, vilest human beings on the planet, but of course, liberals aren’t racist.

• The Pledge of Allegiance is a pledge to evil.

• Opposition to government-controlled healthcare is a desire for sick people to just die.

• Fighting the war against terrorism is evidence that America is the real terrorist state.

• Objecting to the government spending the country into economic stagnation and decline is seen as having no compassion.

• Free market capitalism is a few rich people ruling a mass of poor.

• Privatization is conservative code for no education, no healthcare, no law enforcement and no infrastructure.

• Defending freedom of religion is the same as desiring to turn America into a theocracy.

• Being skeptical of anthropogenic global warming theory makes one’s views the equivalent of a neonazi toward the Holocaust.

• Desiring to cut the size of government is no different from desiring to destroy the government.

Disarm the Paranoia & You End Up with a Conservative

While I may have slightly exaggerated a few of the above points for emphasis (actually, all of these perceptions can be found in comments and quotations throughout the internet), the reality that they illustrate is that paranoia is normal, everyday thinking for a liberal. In fact, paranoid delusion is the foundation of contemporary liberal ideology. Remove the paranoia from a liberal and you end up with a conservative. That is what this blog and my esasay series are all about – disarming liberal paranoia. I call the process deprogramming liberalism.

So, for the record, I do not go around seducing attractive women into making passionate love to me and then knife them in the back. (My wife would not approve.)

But I do freely confess that when it comes to appealing liberal arguments I am a sadistic serial killer. Some might even classify me as a mass murderer. First I seduce them into offering themselves up to me, then I have my pleasure with them, and finally, I enjoy peering deep into their horror-filled eyes in the last moments of their life. The louder they scream – the more I thrill!

An in-depth analysis of liberal paranoia and a detailed record of my crimes against humanity can be found in the Nuclear Counterarguments Essay Series.